Batmemes

This Windows shareware is marketed to "poets, writers and problem solvers." It's designed to defeat writer's block with some artsy-fartsy word play. Batmemes takes manipulates text in one of three (demo version) or seven (registered version) methods. The idea is that by seeing your work in a different but related way, you will be inspired to greater heights. The programmer calls it "the creative process on steroids" and says it will "awake you from a linguistic trance." The method is based on an experimental movement in France during the Fifties known as The Workshop of Potential Literature, and it uses the text you provide to generate memes (also known as thoughtforms or units of thought). The three methods in the demo version are Oulipo (an original French method), Random (an "exploration in serendipity"), and Ogham ("numerological equivalents based on the Celtic alphabet"). In the demo version, the word bank is the content of Bram Stoker's Dracula (the registered version offers more) and you can adjust the amount of distortion. After you enter your text into a window, an animated bat ("the mythic symbol of transmutation") flies over the prose and transmutes it into a new form. You choose undo if you don't like it. Here's an example of what you get. Take a classic quote from rock history: "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow." If you transmute this under the Oulipo method with only minimal distortion, you get: "Don't store third above tune." If you do the same under Random method, you get "Don't offend shrink possessed then." If you use the Ogham method (my personal favorite), you get "Don't stream threshold absolute torrent." Finally, if you up the distortion to the max and use Ogham again, you get: "Don't thread typewriter centrifugal wince." Centrifugal? That's not the word I was thinking of at all.

DadaPoet

In 1939, Tristan Tzara described how to write a Dadaist poem: Take a newspaper article, cut out each individual word, place the pieces in a bag, shake it lightly and copy down each word in the order that you remove it. "The poem will resemble you," Tzara promised. "And there you are — an infinitely original author of charming sensibility, even though unappreciated by the vulgar herd." Created by Bob Arnold, the freeware Macintosh program DadaPoet does much the same thing as those magnetic poem kits you see on people's refrigerators. The program takes whatever text is inputted and uses it to create a poem. You can set the number of words per line, the number of stanzas, how long the title of the poem will be and even throw in a few Dada words like fish, hat, bourgeoisie or gala. Here's a poem based on the phrase "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow":

"tomorrow about thinking tomorrow"

don't about
thinking stop don't tomorrow
stop thinking don't

stop don't tomorrow thinking
tomorrow thinking
don't about
don't thinking

ESP: The Software

You knew I was going to review ESP software, didn't you? I downloaded a few programs to see if I have any special abilities. The first ESP testers generated random numbers and converted them into bar graphs. By thinking hard as you stared at the computer screen, you tried to move the graphs. Pretty dumb. PeaESP, a DOS program that is packaged as a "game for the entire family," wasn't much more better, but it held my interest for a few minutes. For some reason, the programmer decided it was important to trumpet on the initial screen that the program "contains no violence, sexual or racial aspects." Before the test begins, PeaESP presents arguments for and against the existence of ESP. For: sometimes your horoscope is dead-on, and sometimes you feel that sense of dejá vu. Against: Science says it doesn't exist. The test begins. You're shown a screen with three boxes and you choose under which you'd like to place the pea. Once you've chosen a spot for the pea, you "spin" the table, then click a button when you want it to stop spinning. The pea has moved, and you attempt to choose its location. I got four of 10, but you need to do 100 or 500 trials to gauge whether you can read minds. The program is $25, and for $20 to $80 extra you can register your scores in case the government begins hiring psychics. DOME, which stands for Development of Mental Energy, is another DOS program. It provides tips on how to improve your guesswork (relax, clear your mind, etc.). You have to like any program that offers the choice of hitting the F1 Key for ESP mode ("permits the use of clairvoyance to determine randomly pre-selected colors") or F2 for PSI mode ("permits the use of psychokinesis to influence simultaneous color selection"). In his introduction, the programmer explains that PSI (short for psiology) gets a bum rap by being grouped with "unknowns" such as Bigfoot, astrology, numerology, vampires, New Age and UFOs. I began in ESP mode. You're shown a grid, with each of its four boxes outlined with a different color. You stare at the grid and attempt to predict which box will light up. If you're correct, you get a pleasant tone. If you're not, you get a sour tone. For my first trial I predicted only three of 20, which is worse than chance. I reread the tips page. Sure enough, you were supposed to be relaxed. You can even close your eyes. So I emptied my bladder, washed my face, turned off the phone and TV and closed my eyes. Four of 20! Five of 20! Six of 20! The ESP mode works by holding the target color in memory and waiting for your selection to reveal it. Therefore clairvoyance — or being able to read the computer's "mind" — affects your selection and increases your score. In the PSI mode, which I tried next, the computer rapidly generates a cycle of colors. You hit an arrow key to interrupt that cycle. The theory is that your mind power can cause minor changes in the computer's processing speed and influence how many times you correctly choose a color. Your success may be the result of ESP or PSI. It's complicated. The directions say to "use any method that works best for you," but I didn't do the PSI test more than a few times because I was afraid it might throw off the timing in my computer ("Yeah, something's wrong with the processor. I was taking this PSI test"). You're supposed to do at least 100 rounds, but I figured four was enough since I've always been smart. Using PSI, I got seven of 20 on my first trial, so I guess I'm more PSI than ESP. And you? Not reviewed: ESP Test 3.0. If you prefer you can test your powers via the printed word or through a website developed by Michael Daniels, senior lecturer in Applied Psychology at Liverpool John Moores University.