sex CD-ROMs: the early years

You've done Nintendo and Sega, and your computer is packed with conquered games. Maybe it's time for — nudge nudge, wink wink — a bit of adult entertainment. When a men's magazine gave me money to test the latest adult CD-ROMs, I locked myself in a darkened room, lit some incense, played erotic games for hours, then turned on my computer. Ha! Before I describe what I thought about the latest in sexy software, let's take a look at the various types:

• Photo collections include the nudes you see in dirty magazines. Most contain several hundred images presented as slide shows. Many have creative themes such as naked brunettes, naked blondes or naked redheads.
• Video collections include porn films that have been cut into scenes and digitized. The film plays in an index card-sized window, meaning you'll probably go blind squinting to see anything sooner than you would from masturbation.
• Game disks are a step above movies, but not a high step. You are prompted to make decisions which determine which images you see.

I evaluated six CD-ROMs on scales of 1 to 5. Entertainment measures how long I sat at my computer before getting up to make a sandwich. Heat is just that, with 5 being soul-wrenching, teeth-clenching sex and 1 being kicked in the balls. Guilt Factor is how I felt while staring at a photo of my wife after reviewing each disk.

Scissors N Stones

Entertainment: *
Heat: **
Guilt Factor: Low.

You must challenge one of three scantily clad babes in a game of paper-rock-scissors. Select your throw, then watch a video of the woman making her move. If you win the round, she removes a piece of clothing. If you lose, she puts the item back on. Lisa is the toughest opponent, Stephanie is difficult, and Nicole is a pushover. I took an immediate liking to Nicole. The game has its weaknesses. By memorizing the position of each woman's body or facial expression before she throws, you can predict her move. Even without that advantage, I doubt it would have taken long to send these women to the showers. During the video profiles presented before each game, aspiring executive secretary Lisa reveals that she has a great body because "I work out." Stephanie, asked if she "wants to do the wild thing," replies, "Maybe." You wonder if they drew straws to decide who would be the "challenging" one.

The Interactive Adventures
of Seymore Butts

Entertainment: **
Heat: ***
Guilt Factor: High.

Seymore uses his video camera to hit on loose neighborhood women. You watch from over his shoulder. Along the way, you're asked to select Seymore's next move. The sexual pursuit of Brianna, the first porn actress to play hard to get, serves as a plot. Only after Brianna discovers that Seymore films people having sex is she sufficiently impressed to offer herself in six different sexual positions. Brianna, was it something we didn't say?

Man Enough:
The Ultimate Social Adventure

Entertainment: **
Heat: *
Guilt Factor: None.

This game opens with a video of your buddy Nick explaining a dating service he's discovered. When you visit the owner, Jeri, she promises you the ultimate date (with her, although she's kind of a dog) if you can impress each of five clients. After selecting which of the women — a preppie, a lawyer, a sales rep, a news anchor and a psychologist — you'd like to take out first, you choose one-liners. Because each woman has a distinctly shallow personality, there's a unique strategy to win each of them over. The funniest lines are the corny sexual double-entendres that get you nowhere ("I'm in the amateur gynecologist club — we're always at your cervix"). After each line, your date's voice either praises or scolds you and presents three more choices. This give-and-take, with the photos flashing like a slide show, continues for hours. Eventually a lame arcade game pops up to represent the heart of your yuppie adventure (e.g. paintball, skydiving, mountain biking). If you hold your own, you go to her place. They should have called this game Manic Enough, what with the women cooing with delight one minute and dressing you down the next. Even after I had enticed the news anchor to slip into something more comfortable, she demanded I mutter exactly the right words or be tossed out of the bedroom. Later. I don't have the patience.

Virtual Vixens

Entertainment: **
Heat: **
Guilt Factor: Middling.

Your friend has been imprisoned because he could not satisfy the evil Crystal. Your mission: Satisfy her minions Eve, Yve and Katrina, then defeat her with pleasure. You are presented three doors. Behind each is a control panel that shows the vixen, the PleasureMeter and Orgasmeter, which measure her response, and your Orgasmeter, which measures your assumed response. The panel also includes a rotating mannequin with four controls: caress, remove (bra or panties), erect penis horizontal and erect penis vertical. When you click on an icon and an area on the mannequin, a video plays. If you chose to caress the vixen's face, the video shows a pair of male hands caressing her face. She moans and her Orgasmeter jumps two notches. From there, you remove her clothes and things become explicit. The women are so wooden you wonder if they were turned away at the Scissors N Stone tryouts. Eve asks at one point if you're "man enough" (sounds familiar), and occasionally you catch screw-ups, such as the director reminding Katrina to "smile honey" while she removes her bra. It doesn't help that your video stand-in has a pot belly. In the end, the most entertaining part of the game were the directions. "With the penis position vertical, the 3D model facing forward, and the crotch area clicked on, the girl will mount the player on top." Or this warning: "Remember to take off her clothes before you try for penetration." Well, duh.

Penthouse Virtual Photo Shoot

Entertainment: **1/2
Heat: **
Guilt Factor: High

Your assignment: Snap photos as you watch videos of three nude Penthouse Pets. After you've taken enough for a portfolio, rearrange the shots, assemble a slide show, and present the finished product to Publisher Bob Guccione. The game begins with intros to Dominique St. Croix, Natalie Lennox and Julie Strain (certainly their real names), who say things like "I know what you want — you want it all!" You then click on a Pet and begin your shoot by selecting one of two options: She removes her top, or she removes everything. (They don't waste any time.) Once she's naked, you are given a choice of 20 video clips. The video depict everything from the innocuous "head tilt" and "close eyes" to the down-and-dirty "play with lower" to the always poetic "spread legs." For variety, you can ask Natalie, who uses an exercise machine as a prop, to do flexes, side stretches, jumping jacks, push-ups, squats or toe touches — all while she's buck naked! That's not something you see everyday. Even after I shot a roll of a Pet lounging in a chair fully clothed, Publisher Bob greeted me as if I were Robert Mapplethorpe. "You obviously know what makes a good Penthouse layout!" he enthuses, studying the dowdy contact sheets. "Good camera work!"

Leisure Suit Larry VI

Entertainment: *****
Heat: **
Guilt Factor: None.

Larry Laffer has been around for years, and his wicked sense of humor has improved with age. In this adventure, Larry wins a stay at the La Costa Lotta Spa. You guide him around as he hits on nine women. Can you help him score? Larry is a cartoon figure in an animated world. To gather clues as to how win each woman over, you converse with everyone you encounter, grab strategic objects, knock on doors, fiddle with your zipper, ride trams and explore rooms. The games comes with no instructions. The best part is its sense of humor, such as when Larry touches the desk clerk's hand and says he feels a "raw mutual lust" (she complains he shocked her). Among all the personas created for me during my virtual sex romp, the balding, clueless Larry was the one guy who seemed close to real.