the six dumbest newsgroups

alt.ascii-art
People who draw little pictures using the * symbol or punctuation or letters. Like you might draw a cow! And then you can exchange it for Bart Simpson! Or do your name so it looks like it has a shadow! Coming soon to a snooty gallery near you.

alt.sex
At best, the regulars of these groups are failed phone sex customers. Can you see one these misfits at a bachelor party? "So, ya getting any, Hank?" "Oh, yeah. I type naughty words and someone types naughty words back!" "Shete, that's great. Do they have big tits?" The binary groups consist of dirty photos converted into computer code, interspersed with text messages from the same four guys trying to unload their Playboys. Derivations include topics like bestiality, where either very attentive pet owners or giggling teens are wondering aloud if it's OK to give Rover a blow job and whether McGruff the Crime Dog is naked under that overcoat. If discussing self-inflicted hand jobs or reminiscing about Seventies-era circle jerks doesn't shout loser, I don't know what does.

alt.tv.twin-peaks
Further discussion of the arcane details of a television show that was canceled in 1991.

rec.pets
Because the cat and dog lovers have splintered into their own painfully dull groups (along with the bestiality fans), recent discussions focused on whether rats are good pets and what they should be fed. They eat garbage outside my window; try that.

alt.mcdonalds
A snoozer that likely began as a discussion of the merits of McDonald's entrees but degenerated into a running battle between fascist vegetarians and blubbery, perspiring Midwesterners who can't wait for the McRib to come back.

alt.fan.british-accent
Ever notice how British people talk with an accent but sing without one? Also, that they spell words differently? No, really.

visitor feedback

From Kathleen Gee:
I realize you think people who talk about dogs and cats are boring, which is your right. (If you think those people are boring, hang around people who talk about nothing but their kids. Shoot me now!) And I realize you think discussions about pet rats are absurd which, again, is also your right. I just wanted you to realize that pet lab rats and the wild sewer rats that eat garbage outside your window have as much in common as dogs do with wolves. They're related genetically, and that's about it. Pet rats know their names, come when they're called, learn to do tricks, and become devoted. I had to return early from a trip once when my husband called me and told me my rat Tailspin had stopped eating and was dying from apparent loneliness. I'll never forget the reunion. Tailspin leapt over six feet into my arms the moment he saw me. Does he sound like garbage-eating vermin to you? If you want a small pet, rats are much better than chihuahuas. For one thing, they don't try to bite your ankles when you aren't looking. I realize people don't understand, and I don't expect them to. I certainly don't expect you to now find rats adorable. I just wanted you to know that rat groups aren't all that stupid — if you happen to like rats. As for the rest of your picks, no argument from me.