meet my friend sue

What the strangest dream you've ever had?
I remember one where I was being chased by an usher from our church and he put his thumb into my throat. I can't explain that, because he's a nice guy. I was thinking, "My, that's painful." Then there was a commercial break, and when you come back, I've solved the whole case and am showing reporters the scar in my neck.

Are you religious?
I was raised as a preacher's daughter. So I went to church and Sunday School every day of my life until I went to college.

Do you have any vivid childhood memories?
I remember accidentally breaking my older sister's ukulele and getting spanked on the bare butt. And also that whenever we had a baby-sitter, we'd always get chicken-pot pies as a treat. So we'd run around the house yelling, "Chicken pies! Chicken pies!"

That's touching.
Yeah. I also remember when my Aunt Carmen was playing the Tickle Monster and it was the most frightening and delightful thing. We were running, and my sister ran into the bathroom and slammed the sliding door right on my pinkie and locked it. I went to the hospital and I got a balloon and a shot in the butt. See the scar on my finger?

Is there anything that no one knows about you?
I have a geographic tongue. There are little white lines on my tongue and they move. Every morning I get up and check to see what my tongue looks like today. They don't know how you get it or how to get rid of it, but it doesn't hurt.

Have you ever been to Disneyland?
When I was a kid. And last summer, Greg and I went to DisneyWorld, but it wasn't the same. All the rides at Epcot are sponsored by GE or Exxon, telling you all the great things they've done to bring people along. And they all start in prehistoric times and end in the space age. Pretty predictable.

Do you have any other funny stories from your childhood?
There was a girl who lived down the street, and she was my best friend/worst enemy, you know? One time we put detergent in their family's sprinklers because we thought it'd make suds. But instead it just turned their lawn blue, and they called the police. So she comes over — her name was Kerri — and says, "I found a long blonde hair in the sprinkler, kinda the color of your hair." Later her brother let the air out of my dad's car tires as revenge, so we felt bad. Another time, we called all her friends and pretended to be her and invited them over to her house for pizza and roller-skating. Then we sat outside and watched them arrive. The older girls made me run over and say, "I'm sorry I can't come to your party, Kerri, I'm really busy. Gotta go!" That way she wouldn't suspect us.

Anything else we should know?
I have a dent in my nose, right underneath here. I have people come up to me and say, "Oh, you have a little dirt on your nose." But when I get to the restroom, it's my dent.

Do you remember your first kiss?
Yep. It was at camp before the ninth grade. It was all tongue. I was thinking, "This is it? This is disgusting." I actually had my first orgasm before my first kiss.

How'd that work?
I was slow-dancing in the eighth grade with a friend in a basement. It was to the song "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. I didn't even know I was having an orgasm; I just thought, "Boy, this is a great dance."