masturbation 101 Like so many things have to do with sex, the political discussion of masturbation was over almost as soon as it began. Outspoken Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders stated the obvious (that teens masturbate), and President Clinton fired her before the Republicans could glom on to masturbation as a rallying cry. Voters were deprived of the chance to hear Republicans mumble themselves into oblivion debating the party line on beating off. There were a few jokes—"Clinton did it at Oxford but insists he never came"—and muted outrage from the religious right, but little else.
Consider what might have been had Clinton taken a stand. Promote masturbation as a national health objective, and the GOP is without a platform. Jerking off doesn't create unwed mothers or welfare babies, and no one has ever gotten AIDS from playing with himself. The hand that is holding oneself cannot also fire a Kalishnikov. And when was the last time a killer facing execution put the blame for his troubles on excessive masturbation?
Studies have shown that masturbation plays an important role in sexual development and growth. According to some surveys, nine in ten men, and six in ten women, have masturbated. That tells us, simply, that women are better liars—and that you're abnormal if you don't whack off. You don't need a survey to figure out that more Americans masturbate than vote.
Introduced full-force into school curricula, masturbation could boost our sagging educational system. A recent study found that men and women with advanced degrees reported masturbating more than those who hadn't earned a high school diploma. Besides reassuring kids that it's OK to spend quality time with themselves, masturbation theory could be used to teach a myriad of subjects other than sex. Consider language arts. Masturbation provides a treasure trove of metaphor and would encourage more ambitious efforts in composition class. There must be at least 100 euphemisms for male masturbation (and another 100 specific to women), among them fanciful descriptives such as dancing with the one-eyed sailor, fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love, unleashing the alabaster yak and playing the single-string air guitar (see below). The euphemistic overkill indicates how much puritanism chokes the issue, so to speak.
Masturbation could also spice up a history class or lesson. For example, after many years of castrating themselves to appease the god Moloch, the ancient Phoenicians decided that masturbating into a fire was a simpler, and far less painful, sacrifice. Centuries later, Mark Twain, inspired by the biblical tale of Onan begin slain by God for spilling his seed, gave a speech at the Stomach Club in Paris on the science of onanism. Nineteenth century entrepreneurs such as Sylvester Graham (the cracker mogul) and John Harvey Kellogg (of cereal fame) got their starts by campaigning against masturbation. And though the Puritans may have worked hard and kept decent hours, they weren't above the temptation to yank the plank: In 1650, one Samuel Terry stood outside a church in Springfield, Massachusetts during the Sunday sermon "chafing his yard to provoak lust." Terry, who later became a town constable, is now someone's great-great-great-grandfather. Or maybe not.
For their part, the Republicans should have realized that discussing anything, including masturbation, in an academic environment is guaranteed to dissuade even the most hardcore thrill seekers, especially teenagers. What could a textbook chapter on whacking off possibly have looked like, anyway?

SO YOU WANT TO MASTURBATE
Take your penis (see glossary) firmly but gently in your right or left hand. (If you don't have a penis, see Chapter 3: "Am I a Girl?") For best results, your penis should be free of confines, such as tight briefs, and extended away from your body. Remember how you aimed your toy rockets so they wouldn't hit anything? Keep that in mind.
As you touch your penis, its spongy tissues may expand. When this happens, begin stroking slowly, ever so slowly. Now faster, faster, and still faster! Good job. You're really hauling now! Grab your balls!
Oops. That's OK. Don't be alarmed. That just means you're done. Wasn't that interesting? Don't mention it to anyone.

Had he rallied support for his surgeon general rather than fire her, Bill Clinton could have brought masturbation into the classroom—where it belongs.