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by D.B. Velveedasex in the stacks

by candi strecker

Anyone who has ever checked out a book knows the stereotype about librarians: Thick glasses. Hair pinned up in a bun. Nymphomaniacs. Nymphomaniacs? Maybe that isn't the first word that pops to mind when you're asking for the name of the seventh dwarf at your local reference desk, but that's definitely the view that reigns within my private collection of librarian porn.
I had no idea that such a thing even existed until a friend brought one of these XXX-rated paperbacks to my attention. Since I was a librarian, I found the idea highly amusing, if a bit unlikely. Still, writers often base sexual fantasies on women in the workplace and their uniforms: you'll find bushels of porn about nurses, teachers, nuns. Part of the arousal factor seems to based on the paradox that a woman might be brainy and slutty. And even I am not immune to the erotic potential of the library setting, especially the dim and quiet seclusion of the stacks. Exploring the urges of the body in the temple of the mind may be a sacrilege, but it's also a giggly dare.
I actually thought the book my friend had dug up might be the only one of its kind, but once I started showing it off I was showered with other examples. After discarding the even more specialized Bestiality Librarian Porn and Bondage Librarian Porn (plus the books so badly written that they defied arousal), I trimmed my collection down to a select few titles. Let me unbutton your shirt and make you a little more comfortable as I pull a few favorites off the high shelf:

The Librarian Loves to Lick
by Frank Warfield, Greenleaf Classics, 1986
One hot night in the life of one hot librarian, described with a little more literary wit than the average stroke book. A personal favorite because the author actually employs the props and activities of library life. We meet librarian Shelly dusting books and amusing herself with the handle of a feather duster. Before the night is out, she does the nasty on top of some of the stacks (the Dewey decibel numbers aren't provided) and on a rolling book cart. Then there's the scene, perhaps the finest in the entire librarian-porn genre, where Shelly catches the prim and proper Professor Adams photocopying his enormous member. Wacky hi-jinks ensue: "The copy machine flashed on, and the intense light seemed to shoot heat through the cock into Shelly's gently-sucking mouth. Adams started to move his hips in a slow, hypnotic rhythm. The light and warmth flashing in time with the pumping fuck-thrusts into her mouth almost put Shelly into a trance." At the end of her shift, "she took the library stamp and stamped her book several times — once for each climax she had had during the evening."

Horny Balling Librarian
by Nick Eastwood, Greenleaf Classics, 1982
College librarian Sandra is trying to save herself for her marriage to prudish Kurt, but it's so difficult, what with all the teen couples she finds humping in the stacks. After watching one too many of these encounters, she rebels against Kurt and seeks satisfaction on the job with students and co-workers alike. She even attends one of those student orgies we all hear so much about but never seem to get invited to. Kurt eventually comes around.

The Lusty Librarian
by Waldo Beck, Carlyle Communications, 1974
Prim Lynn only spends enough time at the library to get herself invited to a college professors' poker party. Soon enough she's servicing the players, including the professor of Greek: "He fucked her up the ass with precision and control and a strangely disciplined delight." The next morning, realizing that her reputation in this small town is ruined, she withdraws her savings from the bank and flees to a resort in Spain. Here she meets other decadent Americans, including a swinging couple who converse in that witty, brittle way found only in books. Lynn finds true love, but only after gang-banging the members of the hotel mariachi band.

Bang the Librarian Hard
by Laura Winters, Greenleaf Classics, 1985
Which are better, hardbodied students or studly faculty? Fortunately, ultra-nympho high school librarian Samantha can indulge herself with the cream of both groups. We've all suspected that school athletic staff facilities are better than those that mere teachers get to use, and Samantha's visit to the coach's office proves it: "Coach Able pressed a button, and as if by magic, a queen-sized bed covered with turquoise silk sheets appeared from behind a wall." This book shamelessly employs Plot Device #478-C: Samantha drains the Vital Bodily Fluids of the opposing basketball team's stars so her own Madison High can win the playoffs.

Eager Young Librarian
by J.D. Blackwood, Greenleaf Classics, 1985
Is it just me or are all these books starting to sound alike? Sensuous Naura finds hot nookie at her new library job, with students, adult patrons, and fellow book shufflers. If only that mean old frigid head librarian would stop following her around and cramping her style. Bonus: lesbian Jacuzzi sex scene.

Eager-to-Spread Librarian
by Don Scott, Greenleaf Classics, 1985
Principal Summers convinces insatiable librarian Crystal to use her seductive powers to investigate a gang of students using their own sexual wiles to gain access to school computers and change their grades. (Maybe they should reissue this novel as "Teen Slut Hackers.") Specialty scene: hood-of-car gang bang with teenage delinquents.

Licking the Librarian
by Hank Borden, Greenleaf Classics, 1983
" 'Oh wow!' he said. 'I really had fun popping your cherry.' Alice wished she could say the same thing, but the fact was she didn't enjoy the rape at all." Well, duh But that's the great thing about porn novels — you can skip over the chapters that don't turn you on. After the ugly events of Chapter One, librarian Alice is understandably sex-shy. But by watching some teens humping in the stacks (doesn't anyone do it on their parents' bed anymore?), Alice learns that sex can be gentle and loving. After that, it's Katie-bar-the-door. She starts wearing sexier dresses too. Author's favorite ejaculatory exclamation: "Your mouth / cunt / prick is murder!"

The Librarian's Hot Urges
by Nick Eastwood, Greenleaf Classics, 1984
Virginal school librarian Pam is so thrilled to meet her new employer, Principal Jim, that she heads straight home to take a hot bath. Soon, she has a revelation: "Finally, it dawned on her what had happened. 'My gosh,' she breathed. 'That must have been an orgasm.' " She has much to learn, but thankfully there's a freaky exhibitionist married couple next door, and horny teens carrying on in the stacks (where else?). Caught spying on a teenage gang-bang, Pam is forced to join in and loses her cherry six different ways. Caught in the act, she finds a special way to earn Principal Jim's forgiveness.

Horny Peeping Librarian
by Frank Brown, Greenleaf Classics, 1984
Voluptuous librarian Sue gets it on with high school boys in various nooks and crannies of the public library — and of her anatomy, right down to her toes. While this isn't full-fledged foot-fetish porn, the author slips in enough references to make his personal tastes clear. "You've got hot feet, lady," one teen pants. All this action on library time jeopardizes Sue's job, but she saves her position by doing it doggie-style with the head librarian. Favorite line: "The two boys fucked her with blinding speed, their rampant pricks reaming out her fuckholes like high-speed drills." (Oh, Mr. Black! Oh, Mr. Decker!)

The Hottest Librarian
by Gary F. Woods, Oakmore Enterprises, 1985
Burdened by low self-esteem, Gussie Fennimore might have remained forever a virgin working at the college library. But a blind date recognizes that inside those prim clothes, volcanic passions lurk. Within hours, she's left a trail of sexual conquests stretching across campus. Along the way, she encounters a bewildering range of penis shapes: stumpy, crooked, pencil-thin and the ever-popular Enormous. Though Gussie loses her cherry, she keeps her bun: "[The girl] could see the shiny knot of hair at the back of Miss Fennimore's head and her naked ass sticking up in the air and everything. It was really neat!"

This article first appeared in my fanzine, Chip's Closet Cleaner, Issue 13.
Candi Strecker, a former librarian, created the zine
It's a Wonderful Lifestyle.
The artwork is by D.B. Velveeda.

See also: Poo, Libraries and the Anal Character

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