= CELEBRITY

Celebrity Poems Critiqued
To gauge the artistic merit of poems written by famous people, I sent a few (anonymously) to a poetry magazine editor.

Celebrity Postal Test
I did an elaborate experiment to measure the relative fame of celebs based on whether poorly addressed fan mail reached them. Presented in easy-to-read chart form.

Famous Names
Locating people who have famous people's names is cute — but what about their lives?

No Velma, No Peace
For years Flintstones vitamins didn't include a Betty shape. That got me thinking....

= CONSUMERISM

The Great Grocery Coupon Experiment
Which is cheaper — buying store brands without coupons or brand names with coupons? In 1979 I conducted an experiment to find out.

Love Your Product: Send Coupons
Do food makers get fan letters? More importantly, for the price of a few stamps, could I collect enough coupons to satisfy my craving for thrift?

I Fought Saddam ... and Saved a Bundle!
My friend Matt, who served four years as a Navy officer, recounts his misadventures during Desert Storm.

Catalog From Hell
Actual products. And no, I don't have the ordering information — why the hell would you want it?

Why We Collect
"He never did much with his life, but he left a lot of trinkets in shoe boxes under his bed."

Collecting Madness
Fourteen people who collect unusual items reveal their secret lusts for oddball bits of Americana — lusts that can never be satisfied!

With a Nickel in My Pocket...
A chart showing precisely how much money various celebrities had in their pockets before they became big stars.

The Inside Scoop on CD Clubs
How to get the best deals on 12-for-1 music.

Fun With Taxes
There's a whole lot of cheating going on.

Amazon's Secret Porn Stash
What the megastore's customers read in bed.

Duck and Cover
Ten ways to protect your privacy online and off.

Hiding From The Man
Protect your privacy in three steps.

= CRIME

Mail Frauds
Why would anyone want to cheat the post office?

Super Dum Dum
We had some great times together decapitating bad guys with my red crayon. The movie rights are available.

Easter Egg Apocalypse?
Children carrying tiny baskets, searching for pretty eggs. Yeah, right. Get the hell out of the way!

The Day Someone Stole All My Stuff
I was burglarized. They took everything, including my car. It sucked.

Juvenile Dentistry
What to do when Junior is being a brat, circa 1942.

= EDUCATION

Masturbation 101
What if schools taught solo sex?

Just Say No DARE
This anti-drug program doesn't work — so why is it still around?

Alien Notion
The new creationists try to get God back into science class.

= INTERVIEWS

Famous Names
Locating people who have famous people's names is cute — but what about their lives?

Ann Landers Gets Happy
An interview with the famous columnist.

Jerry Seinfeld is a Happy Guy (and Why Not?)
Interviewed Seinfeld one day about happiness. Considering he couldn't care less, he was a nice guy.

Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color
Doug James wrote the definitive biography of America's favorite newsman. I tested his knowledge.

Collecting Madness
Fourteen people who collect unusual items reveal their secret lusts for oddball bits of Americana — lusts that can never be satisfied!

Six Questions About Godzilla
An expert reveals all about my favorite mutant.

Meet My Friend Sue
She grew up in Oregon, and we met in college.

= LANGUAGE

Stories I Wrote When I Was 16 and Thought I Was Kurt Vonnegut
Come unstuck in time with Billy Crowe in "Billy Buckles Up" and "53-Under-Par."

Hail the Size of God
David Letterman once told viewers about hail the size of canned hams. What other hails have the heavens begat?

The King of Dirty Words
Maledicta favors the whole fucking truth. (AJR)

Why I Love Cuss Words
Sometimes a good fuck! or shit! provides just the release I need.

Notes & Comments
Ironically humorous or humorously ironic gleanings.

= LAW & POLITICS

Boys' State Blues
How I almost got kicked out of the American Legion's poor excuse for a democratic exercise.

Very Special Interest Groups
Lobbyists extremely focused on their extremely focused causes, including a lobby for lobbyists.

The Legal History of the Finger
Where the bird and the law collide.

A Quick Visit to the Ford Museum
Gerald R. Ford served two years. He got two floors.

How to Get Out of Jury Duty
When I lived in D.C., I was called for jury duty. Everyone else managed to get out of it.

False Justice
How many innocent people are in U.S. prisons?

Free Speech or Not Free Speech?
Consider these cases and make your ruling.

Don't Blame Me!
Our national motto should be "Not my fault."

Review: The Duel
A short history of a long tradition.

Ladies' Night R.I.P.
The curious campaign against free booze for girls.

Fun With Taxes
There's a whole lot of cheating going on.

= MEDIA

Talking to Ourselves
The toughest job in journalism is the media beat, because you have to interview other reporters. (AJR)

The Journalist and the Free Lunch
Charlotte notes how magazine writers always draw great insight from what their celebrity subjects have for lunch.

Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color
Doug James wrote the definitive biography of America's favorite newsman. I tested his knowledge.

Weekly World News Subject Index
So I had this bright idea. Subscribe to the Weekly World News and create a subject index of its headlines.

On Deadline with the Meter Running
Journalists in a hurry to get home.

No Bad Boys
No matter how horrific the crime, the perp always seemed like such a nice young man.

Weird News Archivists
Who are the people who collect weird news? (AJR)

Chelsea Goes to the Nurse
Tracking the genesis of a story out of school. (AJR)

The King of Dirty Words
Maledicta favors the whole fucking truth. (AJR)

Hacks on Film
Journalists are always scoundrels in the movies. It's just not fair. (AJR)

= MEMORIES

Small Time in the Big Ten
In college I walked on to the basketball team. Now that I'm older and wiser, this article seems melodramatic.

The Musical Fountain That Fed My Thirsty Soul
In my hometown a synchronized fountain played Led Zeppelin lullabies from a hillside every summer night.

My Wife Wears My Favorite T-Shirts
Why is it so hard to get rid of old tees? I asked Charlotte to model my favorites.

Playground Punchlines
The most popular punchlines to adolescent dirty jokes. How many do you remember?

My Neck Wound Story
He didn't break the skin.

My Puke Story
I almost made it home.

= MOVIES & TV

40 Movie Clichés
Filmmakers: Take these out of your scripts.

Hacks on Film
Journalists are always scoundrels in the movies. It's just not fair. (AJR)

Films Featuring Dentist Characters
Don't ask me why.

Four Pornographic Tributes to Hollywood, With Their Plots
It's amazing, the continuity.

Six Questions About Godzilla
An expert reveals all about my favorite mutant

The Bionic Man: We Can Revive Him
It's hard to quantify the influence the Six Million Dollar Man had on my growth and development.

Japanorama: Psycho TV
A circus of gross-outs, psychos, tits and masochists.

Six Videos With a Touch of Despair
City Lights, Willy Wonka, Planet of the Apes...

Mopar or No Car
Have you got the need for speed?

The Munchkins Remember
Hanging with these lovable townies.

Weird DVDs and Videos
Two quick reviews.

= MUSIC

Gumball's Big Score
I have seen the glory of 25,000 infinitely looping, colorfully packaged, plastic-shelled, cheese-o-riffic 8-track tapes.

The Musical Fountain That Fed My Thirsty Soul
In my hometown a synchronized fountain played Led Zeppelin lullabies from a hillside every summer night.

The Inside Scoop on CD Clubs
How to get the best deals on 12-for-1 music.

= PENIS

The No-Penis Club
John Wayne Bobbitt is only the most famous member.

Easy to Be Hard
Most mornings I am awakened by a tiny, wanting voice. "Hold me," it demands. It is my dick. This is its story.

The Moron's Guide to a Larger Penis
Size doesn't matter enough to do anything stupid.

= PRANKS

Love Your Product: Send Coupons
Do food makers get fan letters? More importantly, for the price of a few stamps, could I collect enough coupons to satisfy my craving for thrift?

Celebrity Postal Test
I did an elaborate experiment to measure the relative fame of celebs based on whether poorly addressed fan mail reached them. Presented in easy-to-read chart form.

55 Bad Fortunes
May you never open a cookie and get one of these.

How to Be Annoying Online
Methods to really bug people.

Fake Letters to Real People
Lazlo Toth started it.

= PSYCHOLOGY

Poo, Libraries and the Anal Character
Am I the only one who has the sudden urge to defecate whenever I enter a library or bookstore?

11 Things You Didn't Know About Happiness
Written for a magazine that never ran the piece. I was not happy.

Things I Hate and Love About Genealogy
Genealogy is Latin for "the people who spent money you could have inherited."

Don't Blame Me!
Our national motto should be "Not my fault."

Why I Love Cuss Words
Sometimes a good fuck! or shit! provides just the release I need.

Is Chip a Rat Fink...or a Shrewd Opportunist?
Read my story, weigh the comments left by others, and cast your vote.

Review: The Bathroom
A classic textbook that diagrams the perfect toilet....

= RELIGION

The Power of 13
The founder of the Triskaidekaphobia Illuminatus Society ponders his unlucky number.

God's Busy Schedule
A sampling of the interesting things God has asked his followers to do. Run for your life.

The Dalai Lama Flies Coach Class
A dramatis personae about faith.

Mail-Order Ministry
Become a reverend in 10 seconds at the Universal Life Church.

Breakaway Beliefs
Tried of that old-time religion? Try on a new faith.

Alien Notion
The new creationists try to get God back into science class.

= SEX

Management Lessons from Sex FAQs
It's amazing what weird sex can teach you about the world.

No, Chip, I Don't Think You're Cute
My former gay housemate — that is to say, my gay former housemate — discusses the science of homosexuality.

Playboy's Raw Figures
Ever wonder how many Playmates it would take to reach the top of the Empire State Building? (Salon)

Age Before Beauty
Why do women in their twenties only date guys in their thirties?

The Post-Coital Snooze
Men always fall asleep right after sex. Here's why.

10 Reasons It's Better to Be a Man
The first ten reasons, anyway, plus two rebuttals.

Playground Punchlines
The most popular punchlines to adolescent dirty jokes. How many do you remember?

Sex in the Stacks
Candi Strecker reviews her collection of librarian porn. Great buns.

Risqué Driving
Have a bright idea for a dirty license plate? The DMV is hipper than you think.

Four Pornographic Tributes to Hollywood, With Their Plots
It's amazing, the continuity.

Sexy CD-ROMs
You've done Nintendo and Sega. Maybe it's time for — nudge nudge, wink wink — a bit of adult entertainment.

Group Sex, Fourth Floor
When swingers throw a party, everyone comes.

Amazon's Secret Porn Stash
What the megastore's customers read in bed.

Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition
"The England that produced three generations of sodomitical pirates was a land far different from modern Britain or America."

Getting to Know Your Girlfriend's Breasts
How much do you know about those sexy mounds of fat? (Playboy.com)

Sex Book Reviews

= SCIENCE

Inside the Liquor Lab
The night watchman who drowned in a vat of beer, the effect of Smirnoff on mice and a Canadian who correctly identified 50 of 51 samples as either whiskey or brandy.

= TECHNOLOGY

Eat My DOS(T)
What's the difference between a souped-up hot rod and a souped-up computer? Not much.

The Anal Inventive Storm the Web
The Net permits the terminally anal to pack the clutter of their lives and never run out out of boxes.

Click Here to Make Me Rich
Online merchants need customers, and they need 'em bad, so I'm letting them use my site — for a cut. (Salon)

The Internet is for Big Fat Losers
Best I can tell the Internet is a collection of morons typing moronic messages back and forth about moronic topics that make you feel like a moron for participating.

Revenge of the Nerds
Ever wonder what tech support people say about you?

Management Lessons from Sex FAQs
It's amazing what weird sex can teach you about the world.

Sexy CD-ROMs
You've done Nintendo and Sega. Maybe it's time for — nudge nudge, wink wink — a bit of adult entertainment.

How to Be Annoying Online
Methods to really bug people.

Software Reviews

= TRAVEL

Into the Land of Doze
Jeff Pruzan ferrets out the most boring exhibits at the Smithsonian and somehow makes them interesting.

A Quick Visit to the Ford Museum
Gerald R. Ford served two years. He got two floors.

The Lite Continent
I hate travelogues too. That's why I edited this one, from my obligatory backpack tour after college, to one page.

= GUEST WRITERS

Into the Land of Doze
Jeff Pruzan ferrets out the most boring exhibits at the Smithsonian and somehow makes them interesting.

I Fought Saddam ... and Saved a Bundle!
My friend Matt, who served four years as a Navy officer, recounts his misadventures during Desert Storm.

The Journalist and the Free Lunch
Charlotte notes how magazine writers always draw great insight from what their celebrity subjects have for lunch.

Sex in the Stacks
Candi Strecker reviews her collection of librarian porn. Great buns.

Mopar or No Car
Chris Napolitano asks: Have you got the need for speed?

= REVIEWS

Weird Books
Weird Videos
Weird Software
Weird Magazines
Weird Zines
Books I've Contributed To
Gleanings

= FEEDBACK

Letters to Chip
These are rich.

Search Terms Used to Reach This Site
Culled from my entertaining log files.

Is Chip a Rat Fink...or a Shrewd Opportunist?
Read my story, weigh the comments left by others, and cast your vote.