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Godgod's busy schedule

2010: God told Arthur Mijares to fight to have the name of Mount Diabo changed to Mount Reagan because God believes naming a mountain after the devil is "derogatory and profane." (Contra Costa Times).... God caused Buffalo Bills receiver Steve Johnson to drop a potential game-winning touchdown, after which Johnson tweeted, "I PRAISE YOU 24/7! AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO ME! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS? I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS! EVER!"
2007: God told Richard Roberts to resign as president of the scandal-plagued Oral Roberts University.... A lawsuit accuses Roberts of lavish spending at a time when the evangelical university faced more than $50 million in debt, including taking shopping sprees, buying a stable of horses and paying for a daughter to travel to the Bahamas aboard the university jet. Roberts has previously said that God told him to deny the allegations." (New York Times)
2005:
God decided that L.S.U. should beat Arizona State even though A.S.U. had left for most of the early season game. First he helped L.S.U. come back with consecutive touchdowns on a blocked field goal and a blocked punt. "I was thinking to myself, God put us in this position," said L.S.U. quarterback JaMarcus Russell. "He got us this far and we just had to put a little extra hard work in." On fourth-and-10, Russell threw a touchdown pass and L.S.U. won. The prayers on the A.S.U. sideline were ignored.
2004: God told an American Airlines pilot to suggest over the plane's public address system that the Christians on board raise their hands so the non-Christians could identify them, in the event they wanted to "make good use" of the flight to talk about being saved. The pilot apologized after several frightened passengers asked if he had plans to deliver them to heaven. Ten months before the November election, God also told Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcasting Network that President Bush would win re-election in a "blowout victory."
2003: God told besieged Connecticut's governor, John Rowland, who was under pressure for taking favors from contractors and lying about it, to hang in there and defend himself. Jesus told a man to stab the foreign minister of Sweden to death in a department store.
2002: God told nun Lucille Poulin to beat children at her commune in Charlottetown, Prince Edwards Island, Canada (she was convicted of assault); God provided artistic inspiration to Thomas Kincade, who has sold more than $450 million worth of his machine-produced paintings; God told a guy named Angel DeGroff that he should audition for the TV show "The Bachelor."
2001: God told a Pennsylvania man to hack a convenience store clerk to death with a machete; God (and a Ouija board) told an Oklahoma woman to stab her son-in-law to death; God told a 31-year-old Michigan woman to wear her "liquid-curved" Maidenform bra before she mowed the lawn — the same bra that stopped a nail ejected from the mower from penetrating her heart; God helped Ray Hutcherson to happen upon a truck spill of processed chicken in Houston. "Anytime you get anything free, it's got to be the work of God," said Hutcherson, who stuffed his car full of the birds.
2000: God told a minister near Chicago to disperse church funds to worshipers. The minister said God woke him up at 5 a.m. and told him to "give back to the people." He and church officers passed out about 40 envelopes with amounts ranging from $100 to $2000.
1999: God told a couple in Hartford, Connecticut, that they didn't have to pay their $54,000 mortgage. "It was our desire to be free from this mortgage debt," Norman and Melissa Cameron told the judge overseeing the foreclosure proceedings. "We asked God our Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ. He heard us and he freed us from this mortgage bondage."
1992: God told a Little Rock minister to stand outside Bill Clinton's church and scream at worshipers, "Do you want your daughter to marry a lesbian? Do you want your son to marry a queer?" God also told a 23-year-old Maryland man to tell police his parents were dead, ten days after the Devil told him to kill them; told a 23-year-old California man to shoot his boss dead in a parking lot and that co-workers would congratulate him; told a 30-year-old man that Clint Eastwood owed him $5 million and to make 43 threatening phone calls to the actor's home to collect the debt; and told an Indiana man to undress and walk around town wearing nothing but his socks.
1991: God told Domino's Pizza owner Thomas Monaghan to remove his top managers and run the company himself, and told Jimmy Swaggart that being found with a prostitute was "flat none" of anyone's business.
1990: God told a California man that he could drive his truck through cars (he hit 18 vehicles and injured 12 people). God also told Ohio cult leader Jeffrey Lundgren to murder a couple and their three daughters because they would not repent.
1989: God told cult leader Elizabeth Clare Prophet that the world wasn't going to end but that everyone should prepare for 12 years of "bad karma."
1988: God told a Mormon radical to help bomb a church, kill a police officer and engage in a 13-day standoff. God also told a drifter to kill two security guards at Universal Studios.
1987: God told a Wisconsin woman to stab her infant daughter 20 times in the middle of the night during a family vacation.
1986: God told a homeless Cuban refugee to kill two passengers on a Staten Island ferry with an ornamental sword. God also told Louis Farrakhan about an impending U.S. military attack on Libya, and instructed a California man to embark on a five-year project to build a life-size figure of the crucified Christ out of toothpicks.
1985: God told a 42-year-old California gambler to shoot his wife and in-laws to death as they napped.
1984: God told an anti-abortion activist to bomb three Florida clinics on Jesus's birthday. God told a 65-year-old Bronx woman to hold fire fighters at bay for four hours with a large knife, and instructed a Rhode Island man not to take his four-year-old daughter to the hospital after she suffered a serious head wound.
1983: God told a woman to drive through the closed gates of Mormon church headquarters in Salt Lake City. God also told a Texas ministry student to kill his wife and infant son and then live with their bodies in a hotel room for several months.
1982: God told a beer salesman to create a "prayer stop" in a cow pasture near Dallas. God also told a student to drop out of Princeton because it encouraged sin and would be destroyed that summer.
1981: God told Isabell Masters of Arkansas to run for president, which she was still doing 11 years later.


visitor feedback

From WOO©:
God wants me to tell you that He doesn't appreciate you mocking Him with the insane ramblings of lunatics. The god they speak of is Satan, their god, the other voice in our heads. If you had read the one true God's word, the Bible, then this would be clear to you as would many other things that seem wrong about this life. He gave us free will, and He won't usurp it. It is ours to decide whether to dwell in Heaven or in Hell, both here on earth, and for eternity. God is real, and so is Satan. But Satan would prefer you to think that neither exist.

From dande41:
Have you read the Bible? The Bible is God's words to His people. No where in the Bible have I ever read that God directed His people to do any of the appalling things in your article. May God have mercy on your soul for the things that you printed in His name! Read the Bible and then tell me where I can find references to what is printed in this article. God bless you and forgive you.

From David:
The other Christians who wrote to you are fucks. Can I say fucks? I hope so. The fucks that wrote in about, "Read the Bible blah blah blah" should take a serious look at themselves. Just because you are Christian doesn't mean that you have to be militant about it, and it doesn't mean you can't laugh about it. Here's a joke for you: Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper three nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" Now that's funny.

From Nikki:
David, God doesn't break his Commandments, which means that he didn't tell these people to do these terrible things. And these terrible things are not funny. Murder is not funny! If anybody else who reads this believes in God and prayer, David needs it. ;)


This article first appeared in Spy, June 1993, with later updates.

Link: Get-Out-of-Hell-Free cards

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