god's busy schedule
2010: God told Arthur Mijares
to fight to have the name of Mount Diabo changed to Mount Reagan
because God believes naming a mountain after the devil is "derogatory
and profane." (Contra Costa Times).... God caused Buffalo
Bills receiver Steve Johnson to drop a potential game-winning
touchdown, after which Johnson tweeted, "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!
AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO ME! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS?
I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS! EVER!"
2007: God told Richard
Roberts to resign as president of the scandal-plagued Oral Roberts
University.... A lawsuit accuses Roberts of lavish spending at
a time when the evangelical university faced more than $50 million
in debt, including taking shopping sprees, buying a stable of
horses and paying for a daughter to travel to the Bahamas aboard
the university jet. Roberts has previously said that God told
him to deny the allegations." (New York Times)
decided that L.S.U. should beat Arizona State even though A.S.U.
had left for most of the early season game. First he helped L.S.U.
come back with consecutive touchdowns on a blocked field goal
and a blocked punt. "I was thinking to myself, God put us
in this position," said L.S.U. quarterback JaMarcus Russell.
"He got us this far and we just had to put a little extra
hard work in." On fourth-and-10, Russell threw a touchdown
pass and L.S.U. won. The prayers on the A.S.U. sideline were
2004: God told an American
Airlines pilot to suggest over the plane's public address system
that the Christians on board raise their hands so the non-Christians
could identify them, in the event they wanted to "make good
use" of the flight to talk about being saved. The pilot
apologized after several frightened passengers asked if he had
plans to deliver them to heaven. Ten months before the November
election, God also told Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcasting
Network that President Bush would win re-election in a "blowout
2003: God told besieged
Connecticut's governor, John Rowland, who was under pressure
for taking favors from contractors and lying about it, to hang
in there and defend himself. Jesus told a man to stab the foreign
minister of Sweden to death in a department store.
2002: God told nun
Lucille Poulin to beat children at her commune in Charlottetown,
Prince Edwards Island, Canada (she was convicted of assault);
God provided artistic inspiration to Thomas Kincade, who has
sold more than $450 million worth of his machine-produced paintings;
God told a guy named Angel DeGroff that he should audition for
the TV show "The Bachelor."
2001: God told a Pennsylvania
man to hack a convenience store clerk to death with a machete;
God (and a Ouija board) told an Oklahoma woman to stab her son-in-law
to death; God told a 31-year-old Michigan woman to wear her "liquid-curved"
Maidenform bra before she mowed the lawn the same bra
that stopped a nail ejected from the mower from penetrating her
heart; God helped Ray Hutcherson to happen upon a truck spill
of processed chicken in Houston. "Anytime you get anything
free, it's got to be the work of God," said Hutcherson,
who stuffed his car full of the birds.
2000: God told a minister
near Chicago to disperse church funds to worshipers. The minister
said God woke him up at 5 a.m. and told him to "give back
to the people." He and church officers passed out about
40 envelopes with amounts ranging from $100 to $2000.
1999: God told a couple
in Hartford, Connecticut, that they didn't have to pay their
$54,000 mortgage. "It was our desire to be free from this
mortgage debt," Norman and Melissa Cameron told the judge
overseeing the foreclosure proceedings. "We asked God our
Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ. He heard us and
he freed us from this mortgage bondage."
1992: God told a Little
Rock minister to stand outside Bill Clinton's church and scream
at worshipers, "Do you want your daughter to marry a lesbian?
Do you want your son to marry a queer?" God also told a
23-year-old Maryland man to tell police his parents were dead,
ten days after the Devil told him to kill them; told a 23-year-old
California man to shoot his boss dead in a parking lot and that
co-workers would congratulate him; told a 30-year-old man that
Clint Eastwood owed him $5 million and to make 43 threatening
phone calls to the actor's home to collect the debt; and told
an Indiana man to undress and walk around town wearing nothing
but his socks.
1991: God told Domino's
Pizza owner Thomas Monaghan to remove his top managers and run
the company himself, and told Jimmy Swaggart that being found
with a prostitute was "flat none" of anyone's business.
1990: God told a California
man that he could drive his truck through cars (he hit 18 vehicles
and injured 12 people). God also told Ohio cult leader Jeffrey
Lundgren to murder a couple and their three daughters because
they would not repent.
1989: God told cult
leader Elizabeth Clare Prophet that the world wasn't going to
end but that everyone should prepare for 12 years of "bad
1988: God told a Mormon
radical to help bomb a church, kill a police officer and engage
in a 13-day standoff. God also told a drifter to kill two security
guards at Universal Studios.
1987: God told a Wisconsin
woman to stab her infant daughter 20 times in the middle of the
night during a family vacation.
1986: God told a homeless
Cuban refugee to kill two passengers on a Staten Island ferry
with an ornamental sword. God also told Louis Farrakhan about
an impending U.S. military attack on Libya, and instructed a
California man to embark on a five-year project to build a life-size
figure of the crucified Christ out of toothpicks.
1985: God told a 42-year-old
California gambler to shoot his wife and in-laws to death as
1984: God told an anti-abortion
activist to bomb three Florida clinics on Jesus's birthday. God
told a 65-year-old Bronx woman to hold fire fighters at bay for
four hours with a large knife, and instructed a Rhode Island
man not to take his four-year-old daughter to the hospital after
she suffered a serious head wound.
1983: God told a woman
to drive through the closed gates of Mormon church headquarters
in Salt Lake City. God also told a Texas ministry student to
kill his wife and infant son and then live with their bodies
in a hotel room for several months.
1982: God told a beer
salesman to create a "prayer stop" in a cow pasture
near Dallas. God also told a student to drop out of Princeton
because it encouraged sin and would be destroyed that summer.
1981: God told Isabell
Masters of Arkansas to run for president, which she was still
doing 11 years later.
wants me to tell you that He doesn't appreciate you mocking Him
with the insane ramblings of lunatics. The god they speak of
is Satan, their god, the other voice in our heads. If you had
read the one true God's word, the Bible, then this would be clear
to you as would many other things that seem wrong about this
life. He gave us free will, and He won't usurp it. It is ours
to decide whether to dwell in Heaven or in Hell, both here on
earth, and for eternity. God is real, and so is Satan. But Satan
would prefer you to think that neither exist.
you read the Bible? The Bible is God's words to His people. No
where in the Bible have I ever read that God directed His people
to do any of the appalling things in your article. May God have
mercy on your soul for the things that you printed in His name!
Read the Bible and then tell me where I can find references to
what is printed in this article. God bless you and forgive you.
other Christians who wrote to you are fucks. Can I say fucks?
I hope so. The fucks that wrote in about, "Read the Bible
blah blah blah" should take a serious look at themselves.
Just because you are Christian doesn't mean that you have to
be militant about it, and it doesn't mean you can't laugh about
it. Here's a joke for you: Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the
innkeeper three nails and says "Can you put me up for the
night?" Now that's funny.
God doesn't break his Commandments, which means that he didn't
tell these people to do these terrible things. And these terrible
things are not funny. Murder is not funny! If anybody else who
reads this believes in God and prayer, David needs it. ;)
article first appeared in Spy, June 1993, with later updates.
© 1994-2011 cc Media, Inc. All rights reserved.
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