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55 bad fortunes

1. You will never know the magic word.
2. The sun rises in the East and beats your ass.
3. Ninety-five percent of the things you worry about will never happen. The other five percent will kill you.
4. If a pigeon poops on you, do not blame the pigeon, blame the poop.
5. You will break it; you will buy it.
6. Your assumptions are wrong.
7. Your winning smile will get you nowhere.
8. You are sitting on gum.
9. The lesser of two evils is still evil.
10. Ancient Chinese secret: You're screwed.
11. I know I am, but what am I? —Descartes, on the playground
12. Be decisive. Maybe. If you want to.
13. You've got something in your teeth.
14. If a man slaps you in the face, turn the other cheek and shoot him.
15. O.J. knows you did it.
16. You have many unique talents, none of which are marketable.
17. Next time, borrow a life.
18. The Tooth Fairy will step on your face.
19. Have you put on weight?
20. Two words: Nose job.
21. She was faking.
22. Embrace mediocrity. It suits you.
23. Beware of 10-year-olds with pennies on skyscraper roofs.
24. One man's life is another man's punchline.
25. You've always been a little different, haven't you? Put your clothes back on.
26. Nice booger.
27. 2,390,670,980 fortunes=one tree. Please recycle.
28. Cash value: 1/20th of a cent. Spiritual value: Yang.
29. Who dressed you?
30. Live and don't learn.
31. Sorry, this is a BYOF cookie.
32. You gonna eat that?
33. Your Indian spirit name is Ralphputian.
34. Your partner in life will be bad-tempered but serve a mean dish of chili.
35. A short man will tell you a tall tale.
36. You will be injured in a disco inferno.
37. You will have bad sex and bad pizza, in that order.
38. Your name will appear in the newspaper in a matter involving the American justice system, pudding and naked abandon.
39. You will take a long journey and forget to turn off the stove.
40. While you are giving an important speech, someone in the audience will ask, "Are you imagining us in our underwear?"
41. [Fortune Delivered by ESP]
42. You will sink and rust.
43. Social Security will run out the day you retire.
44. You will throw up on a train.
45. Kato Kaelin will rent your room.
46. You will have one of those days for a year.
47. You will be halved by a bad magician.
48. Your grandmother will see you on "Cops."
49. You will swing your arm and hit a lawyer.
50. Everything about you is getting smaller.
51. You have a spider in your ear.
52. Teenagers will begin using your first name as slang for "gross."
53. Your guardian angel got laid off.
54. Your pets have never liked you.
55. People are just being nice.

This list first appeared in my fanzine, Chip's Closet Cleaner, Issue 13.
It also appears in
More Mirth of a Nation, edited by Michael Rosen.

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